I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
