I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
