I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me