I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.