But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
