My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
