I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
