I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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