I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We are all done wearing pants today
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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