Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
