im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
