She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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