maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
