I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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