I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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