Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
