dude i'm inner monologue high
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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