i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
