My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
