Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
