promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
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Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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