i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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