we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
