Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
the liver wants what the liver wants
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
