Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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