theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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