How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
