I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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