i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
