Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
