I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
