i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
