i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
