i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
