I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
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He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
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Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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