Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
