He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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