Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
