If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
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You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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