I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Acid is not a monday night drug
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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