my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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