wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
