I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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