If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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