cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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