I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
