I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
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We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
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Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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