Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
