I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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