My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
