The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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