He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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