Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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