Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
