remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
