Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
