the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
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