Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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